All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
