oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
