Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
