you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
