Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
