i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
