walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
