I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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