I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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