Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
