so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
why do cheetos always look like penises
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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