I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
