how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
