Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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