The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
