I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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