My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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