Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
