we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
