I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
