i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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