so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
