sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize