Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
