Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
how drunk are you?
Several
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
