Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
