I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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