So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
