so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
