I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
