make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
