Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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