Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
