I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You were trust falling into bushes
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
