i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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