i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
