She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
