so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize