right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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