I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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