mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
