You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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