When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
