Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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