i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
