yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
