Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
