I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
