we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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