so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
