I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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