I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
