I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
