Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
