A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
