umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your cock deserves a montage
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
