As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
