Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Sorry about my life...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
