i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so let's talk penis.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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