there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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