i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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